Reader Question: What Can I Do if My Husband is Opposed to Lubricants?
Hi Dr. Jennifer,
My husband has always been opposed to the idea of me using a lubricant during sex. The whole sexual experience is painful. So we don’t do it because of his stubbornness (among other things) and my fear of being in pain. He says he feels like I get dry because I’m not “into him” and if I was, I would stay lubricated naturally. So using a lubricant (e.g., KY Jelly) would make him feel less of a man, I guess. What do we do? Should I try to convince him? There are so many times I want to have sex with him, and I know we would so much more if I could have a lubricant.
I’m in my mid-twenties, had a baby 3 months ago, and also have a two-year-old. Things changed after the birth of my first child. I nursed my first child to 11.5 months exclusively, and I’m nursing my 3 month old exclusively also.
Please help.
Dear Reader,
Vaginal dryness is a huge issue for women–that’s why you are seeing so many commercials on TV for vaginal lubricants. Sometimes, it can have very little to do with how turned on you are.
Breastfeeding is most likely causing your vaginal dryness. When you nurse exclusively, your progesterone and estrogen levels drop to near menopausal levels. Once you are no longer nursing, you should see an increase in lubrication. However, fatigue from childrearing and daily life can also decrease the hormones that make sex feel pleasurable and promote lubrication. The bottom line: Tell your husband that your decreased amount of lubrication doesn’t mean you aren’t attracted to or “into him.” It’s related to breastfeeding and fatigue. And, as you enter your late 30’s and 40’s, you will most likely find that you need increasing amounts of lubrication due to aging. Older women have dryer skin, not just on their face, but everywhere. As your husband ages, he’s probably going to need a lubricant as well because older men have dryer skin too–everywhere.
So, break out the lubricant!
Blessings,
Jennifer Degler, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach
CWIVES Founder
I am 58 (post-menopausal) and both my husband and I find using a standard lubricating jelly distracting and intrusive. For several months, I have experimented with using a vaginal moisturizer before going to bed (anticipating sex). Some types are a gel product in a plastic tube that is inserted in the vagina and contents squeezed out; another is a dissolving capsule placed in the vagina about 30 min. before need. The lubricating effect , although short-term, makes a difference for me. Cost per use is higher than for a lubricating jelly. But it might be an option for you.
I don’t know if oral sex is a part of your sexual encounters but many women have said that it helps. If that is not an option for you, try Ezglide. You can find it with the other lubricants. It is totally different than KY Jelly. There are also lubricants that warm when rubbed. He may enjoy that sensation. If all else fails, let him know you want to please him, but you need him to help you please him by trying the lubricants. You can make it a part of your love making and apply it to him during a massage.
I had a similar issue with my husband not wanting to use lubrication, but he would still use it. However, once I got pregnant he would come with me to my appointments. During and after my pregnancy the doctor suggested using lubrication and explained to both of us why I needed it. Since then he has never complained about. In fact he os the one to get it without me having to ask.
Maybe it would help if he knew that it is an actual medical issue and not just a matter of you “getting into it”.
The best lubricant we’ve found is coconut oil. It’s organic, non-chemical, doesn’t have a bad taste, isn’t too greasy, and costs much less than most chemical lubricants. Best of all, you can pick it up at your grocery store without embarassment. And, it’s also great to soften your skin. Some varieties (like Trader Joe’s) smell like coconut, but others don’t have any scent. Coconut oil has enhanced our marriage bed in many, many ways 🙂
Thanks, Kim, for the coconut oil suggestion. You’ve added a tropical flair to your bedroom!
Blessings
Jennifer
As part of foreplay, I usually put lubricant (astroglide is our favorite) on my husband and use my hands. He loves it and there is enough left on him for the main event. You could approach it this way, as a way to increase his pleasure, and then he doesn’t judge your arousal by your level of dryness. As a nursing mom myself, having him go with you to the doctor is another great idea because it’s definitely physiologically normal!
Thank you for sharing your experience as a wife and nursing mom.