Orgasm FAQs Part Two: Clitoral Contact is Key

1) Clitoral contact is key in producing female orgasm. If you aren’t using a lubricant in that area, add one. You may need much longer intervals of clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, and without additional lubrication, that area can get dry with extended manual stimulation. Don’t rush yourself through the process. If you start thinking, “My husband is probably getting tired of stimulating me. We should just forget about my orgasm and move on to intercourse so he can finish up,” change your thoughts to something like “My husband loves to bring me pleasure. I’m going to relax, lose track of time, and let my body feel.” You may need 15 to 45 minutes of foreplay to achieve an orgasm. Now, 45 minutes of uninterrupted clitoral stimulation would likely be painful after a while, so be sure to mix up the foreplay with whole body pleasuring, kissing, etc. 

2) If you are trying to experience orgasm during intercourse, the female above position increases the likelihood of clitoral contact. If you avoid this position because you are distracted by thoughts of what you look like (e.g. “my stomach hangs down when I’m on top”), please be aware that you are the only person in your bed who is worried about your less-than-perfect body. Your husband is too busy enjoying the view of your breasts and genitals to pay attention to your stomach. Truly.

3) Consider talking with a sex therapist to help you learn to orgasm. Part of your treatment may include learning to produce an orgasm by self-stimulation so that you can then teach your husband how to bring you to orgasm. Please note that the ultimate purpose of the self-stimulation (also called masturbation) is to promote oneness in the marriage relationship. That is an important consideration when you are judging whether an activity should be a part of your sexual relationship: does it promote oneness or does it lead to separateness?

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