You are in for a treat today! Today’s blog is written by Becky Kiser, an absolutely delightful young wife and mom. Her popular blog (which can be found at http://thekisers.blogspot.com) is fun to read, and she offers wisdom beyond her years. Plus she and her daughter are cute as buttons. And her husband is a hunk. Check out their photos below. Couldn’t you just eat that baby up?!?!
So, without further ado, here is Becky’s take on why connection is the key to great sex. Let’s encourage her by answering her questions in the Reply section below.
Subject: Sex Isn’t Like the Movies
At least not for me.
I can remember being a newlywed and after 6 months of having sex finally calling my mom and having the following conversation:
Me: “I’m not sure if I’m having orgasms!” (You’d have to know my mom to know that talking about this wasn’t weird.)
Mom: (putting on her Psychologist hat) “OK, tell me what you are feeling before sex and during.”
Me: (I listed off everything I’d felt… I’ll spare you those details!)
Mom: (putting the mom hat back on and laughing hysterically) “And what makes you feel like you aren’t orgasming because that sounds like an orgasm to me?!”
Me: “Because I’m not screaming like they do in the movies!”
Y’all I’m not joking. I honestly thought I wasn’t having an orgasm because of that scene from when Harry Met Sally when Meg Ryan reenacts an orgasm. Or any of the other hundreds of sex scenes I’d exposed myself to on TV and movies. I’m not a naive person either. Listen maybe that sounds silly to you but I wish someone had told me this.
I’d always enjoyed sex, but always felt like a failure because it didn’t look like the movies. I didn’t look like the movies. I loved sex and always enjoyed it and was totally one of those girls that was up for it any time. But I always felt insecure that I wasn’t responding like they did in the movies.
And what I realized then and what I’m still learning now, 4 1/2 years later, is that sex isn’t about technique, it’s about connection.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t experience pleasure during sex. But I don’t believe that it should be the sole focus. Everything in our world tells us different ways we can be a better lover. Simply standing in line at the grocery store can make you feel inferior in the bedroom. If you dare open the pages of those magazines, you can be left totally defeated (not to mention, poorly educated).
When we focus so much more on how long we are lasting or how often we are orgasming or how many positions we’ve mastered, we’ve lost the purpose of connecting deeper with our spouse.
These monthly dares with CWIVES isn’t to help you catch up to the raunchy way the world does things. It’s not about being risqué. It’s about having freedom with your man sexually. We should be uninhibited in the bedroom. Not so we can compare with the Carrie Bradshaws of the world, but so our husbands will know that they matter to us. That we want to connect with them. That we alone want to meet their needs. That we aren’t just willing to be available to them but actually want to.
So if we want sex that is better than the movies we have to stop trying to be like the movies and instead learn better ways to connect!
Some ideas that we’ve tried that have helped us are:
*Take our time. Not every time can be a long love making session; quickies have to happen. But they shouldn’t be the only way you approach sex. Take your time. Make out for a long time. Engage in foreplay. And just when you think you can’t take it any longer, then let intercourse take place. Because that whole process was about appreciating each other’s bodies and touch.
*Turn on the lights. Yes, I said it. Not all the lights, but light candles so you can still see each other. I am so surprised to hear how many people make love in the dark. Light just 1 or 2 candles and look deeply into your mans eyes when you are making love. Appreciate his body and let him appreciate yours (every stretch mark and sag, let him love even those).
*Talk to each other. Now this one was a bit awkward for me I have to be honest. But once we started talking to each other sex got even better. Communicate what feels good. Share what you love about each other. Verbally appreciate each other’s bodies. When this happens you will be amazed at how much more you relax and get into the moment.
*Make the effort to initiate. Often times women wait for their husbands to ask for sex and hope they can get out of it. We have to change this! You will have so much more fun with your man when sex no longer feels like a chore. Initiate it. Think of fun ways throughout the day to surprise him or even set your alarm early and surprise him before work!
*Finally, identify if there is any activity that you and/or your spouse are engaged in that does not promote sexual oneness. If some activities (i.e. masturbation, sex toys, etc.) don’t bring you and your spouse closer together and are done solely to meet your needs, then I don’t believe it is healthy.
Question: Do you find that you struggle with the focus of sex being about technique or the physical experience instead of connecting? Share what are some things you have done to better connect with your spouse during intimacy time.
Becky is a wife (to Chris Kiser, computer genius and one day president, since 2007 ), stay at home mom (to daughter, Karis, girly girl and tenacious toddler, born August 2010), blogger (http://thekisers.blogspot.com), Tweeter (https://twitter.com/#!/beckykiser), Facebook-er (https://www.facebook.com/becky.kiser) and speaker/teacher (website coming soon!).
I found that I have a hard time talking during sex, but on the rare occasions that we have travel time alone or late at night (i.e. the kids are asleep in the car) we can talk about sex. We can discuss something without having to look at each other. Having these discussions in the car has made it easier to talk face to face about sex. So we will keep practicing so maybe one day we can talk about it during. 🙂
Thanks for your input, Holly. So glad that you are finding that the car discussions make it easier to discuss sex face-to-face. You might also try discussing sex as you walk together around your neighborhood.
My husband and I have been married almost a year and I have not enjoyed sex once yet. I have reached climax a few times, but I’m mostly in pain and feel no connection with my spouse. He is wonderful and understanding but I feel so guilty that I do not enjoy sex. I’m excited to share these ideas with him!
Good for you, Ashley, for not giving up on sex even though it has been challenging thus far. Please have your sexual pain checked out by a physician. Sex shouldn’t be painful, and if it is, there may be a physical condition that needs to be treated.